At a particularly dry period in my spiritual life, I wrote to a friend (who just happened to be a monk) to tell him I was finding it hard to pray. I explained that I was too distracted, too busy, too tired to concentrate. I couldn’t form the necessary words – my prayer time had become a lonely chore. He wrote back: “Welcome to the I.F.I.D.T.P. Club”, an acronym he’d coined for the “I Find It Difficult To Pray” Club.
He shared some of his own struggles with prayer. Being part of a religious community, who many people think of as “professional pray-ers” had not guaranteed him ease in prayer. If anything, the perception that given his vocation he was “good” at prayer only compounded the problem. He then learned not to be so hard on himself; that the pearl of prayer was not in his perfection at it, but in his faithfulness to the action of praying – even when “nothing” appeared to be happening. His candid response was enormously reassuring. It was a lesson in prayer I have needed to re-learn a few times in my life.
In 1996 my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and quite apart from its devastating effect on her, I was totally unprepared for how the changes it effected in her impacted me. I literally had no words to either pray or say, and found myself in a kind of spiritual desert where I felt incredibly alone – and abandoned by God. The words I searched for in others’ prayers said nothing to me; I felt I had nothing to say to God. As a priest in the church, I was aware that, like my friend the monk, I was perceived as someone who could pray-on-demand. Once again, I found myself in big trouble.
It was then that my friend Mary introduced me to Christian Meditation. I attended a retreat, learned “how” to meditate and I joined a local group. I was so weary at the time – spiritually, as well as physically. I was working full-time, had two small children, was anxious about my mother, but somehow, I managed to get myself to Meditation every Monday night. My fellow Meditators told me some years later that they were pretty sure I had slept through the first six months of our weekly meetings! Despite this, I persevered with the daily practice. The amazing realization that dawned on me was that God had not abandoned me in the desert at all. Just as I had been longing for God, God had been longing for me, and was very much with me ~ even in the desert. I didn’t need to “do” anything, much less say anything. “Just show up and let God love you,” one Meditator told me.
The Anglican priest and poet George Herbert, in his poem “Love bade me welcome” tells the story of a soul encountering Love’s extravagant welcome to a feast held in his honour. This Love, of course, is Christ, who desires not a superficial acquaintance, but rather a deep, personal and long-term relationship. The prodigious hospitality of God is made manifest as the Host, taking towel and basin, washes the feet of the wearied traveler; offering food and drink, extending physical and spiritual refreshment. The Host lavishes attention, expecting nothing in return, except that the Guest “must sit down, and taste . . .” Later lines of the poem speak of forgiveness and redemption and of a willingness to over look short-comings – as in the abiding love of a parent for a child, of a lover for the beloved.
The invitation to “sit down, and taste” is truly what the practice of Christian Meditation has been for me, particularly in desert times, but also in less arid times.
Christian Meditation, recovered for us by the work of a Benedictine monk, John Main, is an ancient form of silent, interior prayer. To aid our being still, attentive to Christ’s company, we use a prayer word, a mantra, “Maranatha”, which is repeated throughout the time of the meditation. Sometimes people wonder what “happens” during meditation. All I can say is: “Just show up and let God love you,”
The pearl of prayer was not in our perfection at it, but is in our faithfulness in the action of praying – even when “nothing” appears to be happening. John Main instructs us not to evaluate our meditation time, deeming it “good” or “not so good”. It has no cumulative effect on our prayer – we don’t get extra points for praying “well”. It is the holy habit of “showing up” for prayer, of our faithfulness to our prayer practice that changes us, that opens us to Christ and by extension, opens us to others as we seek to see, love and serve Christ in them.
For Christian Meditation groups meeting in Nova Scotia, visit
https://www.wccm-canada.ca/nova_scotia
For Christian Meditation groups meeting in PEI, visit
https://www.wccm-canada.ca/prince_edward_island
Rev. Frances Drolet-Smith
Diocesan Representative, the Anglican Fellowship of Prayer
Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash
